And The Beat Goes On...

... and the beat goes on.  La de da de de, la de da de da...

My heart beat, that is. 

Thank goodness!

I'm on a beta-blocker for my heart.  Hopefully that will strengthen it and all will be well at some point and I can cease and desist with heart meds, but it's entirely possible I'll be on the beta-blocker for life. 

Meanwhile, my cardiologist thinks I should have an angiogram just to rule out any other possible causes of the heart damage besides chemo.  Not a bad idea, but I'm putting that off for a short while until I regain some energy.  My body has been through enough over the last 10 months; I need some time to rest and recover before I subject myself to more trauma, even if it's relatively minor.

And also meanwhile, my orders for limited exercise continue:  no aerobic exercise, no heavy lifting, no shoveling, etc.  But I can walk as much as I like and as much as my body can tolerate, as long as I don't walk too fast.  I'm also getting back into yoga.  Although it's frustrating to have limitations on what I can do physically, it's also OK.  This is all small stuff after what I've been through.

And the beat goes on... and the beat goes on!

Scan-Scan

Yes, sometimes all this feels like some kind of crazy dance.

Lately (and into the immediate future), it's the scan-scan.

Thank you, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec,
for this image that somehow captures both the French can-can,
and how I feel about all the scans I've had lately.

I still have a couple of tests coming up, but here's the results from what I've had so far:

DXA scan results (DXA measures mineral bone density.  I'm now on a daily estrogen-blocking pill that can affect bone density, and of course chemo can also alter bone density.  The DXA was to establish the baseline as I start the estrogen-blocking pill): normal, normal, normal!  That's the good news.

Muga scan results (muga measures the percentage of blood the left ventricle is pumping out into the body; 50% and above is normal.  Below 50% is not good.  They monitor this for heart damage from chemo, radiation, and Herceptin):  I went from 46% three weeks ago to 45.3% this week.   That's not good news.  I'm officially off Herceptin although I was supposed to have it until June or July.  I'm comfortable with that -- one, I certainly don't want any more heart damage. What I have now has tossed me back down in the trenches, so that's quite enough, thank you.  And two, there's some research that shows that one year on Herceptin may not be necessary, that 13 or as few as 9 weeks may be just as effective as one year.  I've had 26 weeks.

My oncologist still feels the damage is from the aftermath of Adriamycin (which, granted, is part of what saved my life, but it's one nasty treatment) and Herceptin and thinks my heart will improve; in the meantime, I'm seeing a cardiologist this week.  Hopefully he'll have some good news for me in terms of recovery.  I'm so blasted tired all the time, I can barely function, and I hate it.  This fatigue is for the birds.

For now I've been ordered to stay away from aerobic exercise or any strenuous activity.  I can walk, gently, but that's about it.

Because it wouldn't be much fun to get all through chemo and all the lovely stuff related to that, just to drop dead from a heart attack.

I and my heart appreciate all your thoughts, energy, and prayers. 

Stay tuned.   Still happy-dancin', but not strenously :)

More Happy Dancin'!

The greatest mistake in the treatment of diseases is that there are physicians for the body and physicians for the soul, although the two cannot be separated.

Plato

Radiation is done.  Woo hooo!!  I can't believe all my major treatments are done and that I've made it this far.  I need to recuperate from all my body, mind, and soul have been through the last year, but I already feel glimmers of energy.  And thanks to support from so many, my spirit is not only intact, but is stronger than ever.  Friends and family -- the physicians for my soul -- thank you.  You held my hand, you listened, you laughed with me, and maybe best of all, you cried with me.  You knew I was going through much more than a treatment to free my body of cancer, and you understood.

Other news, in brief:

Still have some neuropathy pain/numbness, but I also still think I see slow and gradual progress. Still taking meds to help control the pain.

Started hormonal therapy today. It's simply a daily pill that blocks estrogen; I'll be taking them for the next five years, or as long as I have insurance to cover the bulk of the $461 monthly fee! Keep your fingers crossed that I find a decent job with great insurance!

Have another mugascan next week to see if my heart has rebounded since the last scan.  More finger crossing!

Have a CTscan at the end of Feb. to check a spot on my lung.  I've been assured that this kind of spot is normal and nothing to be alarmed about but they want to do follow-up to make sure.  So, I'm not being alarmed.

Now you'll excuse me while I go do a happy dance....

Latest News

Good news:  I had my last full-breast radiation today; tomorrow I get the first of 8 that are targeted to the original lump.  Then I'll be done!  I'm hoping my skin and my energy can slowly start rebounding with the reduced radiation.*  Last night I was in bed at 7 and slept all night -- and I wanted to stay in bed longer.  So I'm ready to see my energy return.

Not quite as good news:  my latest mugascan showed more heart damage (chemo/radiation) which could be permanent or could be temporary -- either way, I couldn't get my herceptin today.  Another mugascan in three weeks will hopefully show improvement and I'll be able to resume herceptin.  Please keep your fingers crossed for me.

Meanwhile, I think I hear a pillow calling my name :)

Keep moving forward!

~~~~~

*edited to add:  it's actually not reduced radiation -- it's all concentrated in a smaller area.  I'll still be getting full doses, so fatigue relief is still a little ways away!

21 Down, 12 To Go

If you read the last post and were paying attention, you're thinking, wait, the numbers don't add up the same.

You're right, they don't, because I'm actually getting 33 treatments, not the 30 I thought.

25 are for the entire breast area, and the last 8 target the original tumor site only.

I'm having a lot of tenderness, my skin is moving from pink to red, and I'm pretty constantly tired (although I can push through it, I just don't have any energy).

At least after treatment 25, most of my skin will be out of the radiation area and can start healing.

Projected last radiation:  January 27.

19 Down, 11 to Go

Radiation treatments, that is.  At least, I think I have 11 to go -- 30 in all.  That will put my final treatment somewhere around Jan. 20, assuming I don't miss any between now and then.   Missed treatments get added to the end so that I get the full 30.

As much as I haven't always felt like it, life goes on even after a big loss, and keeping up with treatments has been important.  I was glad to see the pages of the calendar turn over to Jan. 1 -- although it's just another day in a series of days, it still felt good to put 2009 behind me.  It was a difficult year for me, and for many others as well, and I know I wasn't alone in being glad to greet a new year.

I haven't had any horrendous side effects although my skin is getting brown/pink from the radiation. I have some tenderness and pulling in muscles/scar tissue/ligaments, and where they put the small stickers on to mark critical spots (so they can line me up for treatments the same way each day), my skin is torn and red.  I slather aloe vera gel on the entire area and then put shea butter or Aquaphor on top of that, which is helping prevent dry, itchy skin, and so far has prevented blisters and peeling.  Lovely thought, eh?

I also have some fatigue, although nothing like during chemo.  Enough to keep me from feeling perky, and I tend to go to bed pretty early most nights, and I have to admit to some extra enjoyment when I can sleep in on the weekends, but really nothing to complain about.

It's been fairly cold here but it hasn't kept me from getting out for some walks, although if it's windy the walks have been short.  I'm just not fond of those below-zero wind chills!

A happy and healthy new year to everyone.

Ring out the old, ring in the new,

Ring, happy bells, across the snow;

The year is going, let him go;

Ring out the false, ring in the true.
                                       from the poem by Alfred Tennyson


.

Anne Mildred Diesslin

April 23, 1920 - December 18, 2009

Resiliency and Life

I've been able to share a lot of my own personal good news here lately, and I'm really happy that I've been able to do so.

I don't usually use this space for personal matters outside of my cancer.  It's not what I started this for and I didn't want to "muddy the waters;" I only intended this as a place for people to be able to find out how I'm doing when I wasn't able to do many emails.

However, I know many of you will want to know about this, and I haven't had a chance to contact all of you.

Mom's cancer has been catching up with her.  She's had an incredible journey and an amazing fight against something that would have put many people on their knees a long time ago.

But she's starting to fail, and last Friday we re-initiated hospice.

The short version is that she's very frail, weak, and having a hard time.  She has moments of great clarity and manages to find humor in situations even as she hurts and struggles.  She shows love and appreciation for having family around.   She's compliant and graceful as she enters this time of her life.

She may have hours and may have weeks.  The reality is probably somewhere in between. Those of us close to the situation don't see her doing well -- but we know how resilient she can be.

Mom is one of the most resilient people I've ever known, but even she has limits.

I can't help but think about the gifts we're given at times like this.  Although it's hard, and I sometimes have to say no to things I don't think I can do, I'm so glad for what I can do and share in.  I'm glad and grateful to be part of this.

I'm so grateful her grandchildren care and share everything they can: their time, their love, their hearts.  They've been incredible, and their love is a testament to her love for them all these years

I'm glad mom is so gracious and kind and gentle.  I've been with people who are dying before, and I was told by those who work with the dying, that the pure and best essence of a person comes out at this time.  And that's what I've seen.

It's so wonderful to see mom's purest love and spirit shining.

In a season of giving, no matter what your religous beliefs, I'm getting the ultimate gift.  Time with my mom, when it matters like no other time.

May you all have the best gifts of the season.

Seasonal Thoughts

There are many celebrations this season. To name a few:  Winter Solstice may be the oldest. It's also known as Yule, and it celebrates the shortest day and longest night of the year. Christmas is the Christian celebration of the birth of Jesus; Hanukkah, the Jewish festival of lights, marking the victory of the Maccabees over invaders who had desecrated their temple. Kwanzaa is a Swahili word that means "first" and signifies the first fruits of the harvest. Boxing Day (St. Stephen's Day), the day after Christmas, dates back to England when wealthy homeowners would give gifts to their servants and to the poor. 

A common thread through all of the celebrations of the season is giving and gratitude.  We all always have reasons to be grateful; this year I know I have some special reasons for being so.  And truthfully, just being alive seems reason enough.

Whatever your chosen way to celebrate this season, do it with the love and peace of the season, and the spirits of giving and gratitude.

And don't forget to throw in a little happy dance!


 

What is Christmas? It is tenderness for the past, courage for the present, hope for the future. It is a fervent wish that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and eternal,
and that every path may lead to peace.
~Agnes M. Pharo

Celebrate the happiness that friends are always giving,
make every day a holiday and celebrate just living!
~Amanda Bradley

Every piece of the universe, even the tiniest little snow crystal, matters somehow. I have a place in the pattern, and so do you…

~T.A. Barron

The circumstances of your life have uniquely qualified you to make a contribution. And if you don't make that contribution,
nobody else can make it.

~Rabbi Harold S. Kushner

In our deepest moments of struggle, frustration, fear, and confusion, we are being called upon to reach in and touch our hearts. Then, we will know what to do, what to say, how to be. What is right is always in our deepest heart of hearts. It is from the deepest part of our hearts that we are capable of reaching out and touching another human being.
It is, after all, one heart touching another heart.

~Roberta Sage Hamilton

I have found that among its other benefits,
giving liberates the soul of the giver.
~Maya Angelou

Don't spend your precious time asking 'Why isn't the world a better place?' It will only be time wasted. The question to ask is 'How can I make it better?'
To that there is an answer.
~Leo F. Buscaglia

What do we live for if not to make life less difficult for each other?

~Roger Bannister

 There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world
than for bread.

~Mother Teresa

It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.

~Kahlil Gibran

It's not how much we give but how much love
we put into giving.

~Mother Teresa

There is a wonderful mythical law of nature that the three things we crave most in life -- happiness, freedom, and peace of mind -- are always attained
by giving them to someone else.
~Peyton Conway March

How do you say "thank you" for sunshine or health...for clear days or gentle rains...for happiness, joy or love? You say it by sharing what you have.
You say it by making the world a better place in which to live.

~Thomas D. Willhite

Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person.
~Mother Teresa

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping
for that which has been your delight.

~Kahlil Gibran

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.

They must be felt with the heart.

~Helen Keller 1880-1968

And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential
is invisible to the eye.

~Antoine de Saint-Exupery 1900-1944

Catching Up

Just a few quick comments:

Radiation begins Tuesday, December 8 (mock run on Monday). By my calculations, it'll be over Jan. 15.  I have blue magic marker X's on my body as "tattoos" to help position me for zapping.  

I'm still running on the tired side but nothing like during chemo.

That's the big news. 

Otherwise, I'm still happy dancing! and still full of joy and gratitude.  Happy, merry, everyone!

Happy Dance, Shared

These people (some 200 of them) not only did a happy dance, but shared it with a surprised group of travelers... pure fun and joy, the true essence of happy dance! Get your smiles ready...

And the Beat Goes On

Biopsy results today:

NO cancer anywhere, in any tissue, no where, no how, nada, zip, zero, none!

That includes in all the breast tissue from the lumpectomy, and the 14 (yes, 14, count 'em!) lymph nodes the surgeon took in "a little extra tissue" around the sentinel node.

That was more than he meant to take (and more than he thought he took) and I would've rather not lost so many but you can't put 'em back now...

That puts me in a small group of 10% who have had this result.  The 10% the surgeon warned me about before my surgery ("only 10% of women come back with no cancer.  Just want you to be prepared.  But we'll do our best to get clean margins.")  

I was fine until about 24 hours before I was supposed to get my biopsy results, and then anxiety got the better of me.

And then, miracle of miracles, I am in that 10%.  I never expected that.

I'm really, deeply grateful. Especially for all of you who sent positive, healing energy out for me in any form.  Because I was too worn out, too overwhelmed, to do a lot of that myself as I've gone through the last 7 months, and I know good and well that it wasn't my good energy that helped me beat this. 

It was yours.

So thank you, everyone.  Words aren't enough.  My tears of joy aren't enough.  But I'm grateful from the deepest part of me.

I have a follow-up with the oncologist next week.  I will continue Herceptin (1 yr.) and sometime soon I'll start estrogen-blocking pills (5 yrs.).  Radiation is more of an unknown now that there is no cancer to radiate!  Dr. Harb and I will be discussing that, I'm sure, along with other things.

Meanwhile... git out yer dancin' shoes and do a little happy dance with me!

After the Dance

Surgery went fine.  One lymph node and some extra tissue taken in addition to the breast tissue.  Lymph node was clear.  Will get other biopsy results this Thursday (Nov. 5); keep your fingers crossed for clear margins!

I'm doing much better than I expected although I had increasing pain until Monday, when the drain was removed. Having it removed felt a lot like having skin pulled off (at least as I imagine that would feel) -- burning pain for several minutes -- I guess the tissue was starting to heal around it and my body didn't want to let go.  Ouch!  But the incisions are only tender, not painful, and healing well.

Fatigue is hitting me again but I plan to go back for a day of work, a day off (appointments instead on Thursday), and then one more day of work before the weekend.

Neuropathy is noticably better (yay!), taste buds still refuse to like fat (no cheese -- sheez!) but are otherwise doing better as well.

Wish me luck for the biopsy results, and thank you for the email, phone calls, etc.  Y'all hold me up!

Deep Breaths

Tomorrow is my lumpectomy, along with the biopsy of the sentinel and possibly other nodes.

The surgery doesn't worry me much.  I've been through harder.  Been through much harder recoveries, too.

Just hoping for good news on the biopsy results.  Fingers crossed!

See y'all on the flip side!

Do a Little Dance!

We cannot cure the world of sorrows,

but we can choose to live in joy.

Joseph Campbell

Of course, it's always easier to live in joy when there's some joy to share.  An update and the good news.

Recovery from chemo: I'm still trying to get through side effects of chemo but am making steady, if slow, progress -- and not complaining! It's only been a few weeks. I still have fatigue but not as bad, although most days I need a nap, if possible, and an early bedtime. Taste is coming back slowly but a lot still tastes funky. Neuropathy will be the slowest to go away and so far I still have pain and numbness, but at least it's not getting worse anymore! and I know the nerves are doing their work, slowly regenerating themselves. I need to do my work and be patient. Hair is still white, about 1/2" long, growing evenly over my head, and still stick straight.

Results from tests: My first hint of good news was when the oncologist couldn't find the tumor through a physical exam of my breast, but of course I wasn't about to leap to conclusions. I had to wait until I got all my test results back before I started breathing again.

And when I started breathing again, it was with some shock and surprise.

They could find no trace of cancer in my diagnostic mammogram and the MRI. 

Hurrah!

That was unexpected and wonderful news. My biggest hope when all this started was simply that the tumor would shrink. I never expected it to go away.

There can still be cancer cells present but that will be determined after surgery biopsy results. And the fact that the tumor vanished is incredibly good news.  All that nasty chemo did its job!  Good work, chemo!

Surgery: The confusing part in all this for me was suddenly having the option of a lumpectomy. All along I assumed (with pretty good reason) that my only option was mastectomy, and I did all my research and discussion with other women with that in mind. After surgical consults and long talks with my oncologist, a lumpectomy makes sense. Biopsy results of the breast tissue/lymph nodes may show the need for a mastectomy anyway but for now a lumpectomy is in order. Have to wait to hear back from the surgeon's office to determine scheduling of that.

Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness 
has never danced in the rain.

~Author Unknown

Let us dance in the sun, 
wearing wild flowers in our hair.

~Susan Polis Shute

To watch us dance is to hear our hearts speak.

~Hopi Indian Saying

And from here... We'll see what the biopsies show (so keep the good thoughts coming!).  Radiation is a strong possibility although that's not certain yet. I'll have a mastectomy if called for by the biopsy results but I'm well prepared for that at this point. I'll continue the one year of Herceptin and begin five years of estrogen-blocking pills soon.

So, all in all, good news, more joy, and definitely more hugs!  And more thank you's, so many of them to so many people -- thank you, all, for your thoughts, blessings, energy, prayers, hugs, phone calls, notes, and on and on -- you are all part of my happy dance, and I'm grateful for each and every thought and prayer, and for each and every one of you. It's definitely happy dance time -- at least on days I have the energy to do so!

The aim of life is to live,

and to live means to be aware:

joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware.

Henry Miller

Nothing like a little disco music to get your dance mojo going! :) Dig those funky outfits, and dance, dance, dance!