Fire of Our Hope: Fool Me Four Times: I'm an Idiot

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Fool Me Four Times: I'm an Idiot

OK, loyal readers :)

Remember when I said I wouldn't be fooled again? I learned my lesson! I knew what was what! No more surprises!

Yeah, right.

Woke up today feeling pretty darn good, all things considered. Way less dizziness, no nausea, felt like I could go to work and be just fine!

Then, as before, I did a few quiet things, wrote an email. Stood up...

Major dizziness. Weak and wobbly.

Quick blood pressure check: 85/67. (And no, I haven't been taking my high bp meds lately, because it's been too low without them.)

NOT good. And once again, after thinking I'm OK, I feel like crap.

I'm going to work (at least I'll be out of the heat that way) and will wait for the dr.'s office to call me back.

I want to yell and cry and laugh (all of which I did, after calling a friend... thanks for listening, friend!!) :)

Yep, fool me four times. Shame on me.

PM update:

One liter of saline and an Aranesp shot (for low hemoglobin) (that was already scheduled for today) later, I'm still feeling like crap, but at least I feel like fortified crap :)

Oh, and I'm officially off my blood pressure meds. Considering I'm running 100/75 I think I'm good for now. When this chemo wears off my bp may go back up but I certainly don't need any help lowering it right now!

This is one night when I really would have given a lot to not have to fix my own dinner. Usually if I feel bad, I'm not hungry anyway, and making a piece of toast is easy. And when I'm feeling OK, I don't mind fixing dinner. But tonight I had enough of an appetite to want to eat something, but no energy to want to fix it. Salad it was -- got something in my stomach, anyway.

I did treat myself to a home-brewed glass of iced tea. I know I'm supposed to avoid caffeine most of the time but I decided this could be my exception for the week! And it tastes heavenly. Small pleasures... I'll take 'em!

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Treatment Outline

Last chemo: Sept. 23, 2009 -- Done!! WOO HOOOO!!!!!!

Surgery, Oct. 29, lumpectomy with removal of 17 lymph nodes. Biopsy results: all negative. WOO HOOOO! again! The surgeon said I was in a group (of women with my cancer type, stage, etc.) of only 10% that comes back totally clear and negative. Happy dance!

Radiation begain Dec. 7; I had daily (weekday) treatments for 38 treatments, with a few days off for holidays and when my mom died.

Herceptin continued until I had "minor heart impairment." I'm on a beta blocker and doing well.

I'm on an estrogen-blocking med for five years. Update, 2015: I've been put on it for an additional five years.

FAQ's

I seem to get some questions often, so I'm going to address a few of them here. I'll update from time to time, too. Unless you read otherwise in a post or email, these things hold true:

1. I'm still working and plan to do so throughout treatment. My oncologist, his staff, my boss, and I all see no reason I can't continue, although I may have to make schedule adjustments from time to time. I have bills to pay so I don't really have the option of quitting anyway.

2. Mom is holding her own. I have to put my own health first right now but I'm going to do everything I can to help her. And she's doing what she can to help herself and to help me as well. We're working as a team, even if it's a cancer-ridden, chemo-taking, sometimes bumbling one!

3. As I've shared with most of you, and I want to keep emphasizing, don't feel like you have to wait to hear from me. In fact, sometimes it helps when you take the initiative, because I may not always have the energy to do such a simple thing myself. Call or email any time -- you can't disturb me -- if I'm too tired or otherwise unavailable, my cell ringer is off; and I answer email as I can and know you understand if it's not always in a timely manner.

4. My last A/C treatment was June 17. Taxol has begun and in spite of what's normal, for me it's been harder than the A/C. Lots of immediate, significant side effects that need frequent adjustments to control. I had to drop one week of Taxol and am on reduced doses for the duration of treatments because of the severe neuropathy I'm getting. Herceptin began with the taxol and continues for a year; surgery sometime in the fall. Radiation, maybe.

5. I was told not to expect hair growth until after the Taxol is over, but I'm getting white (! my hair was only partly gray when this started!) and spikey regrowth right now (late August). It may or may not fall out as the Taxol continues, but whatever! It's been an amusing part of the journey for me to go bald, see funny regrowth, etc. I still don't expect any real hair length until next spring. Going bald has it's own freedom, and I love the feeling of wind on my scalp, but I can't say I feel like bald is "beautiful" in my case!

6. This isn't an FAQ, but as a reminder: I prefer you do not share this blog with others unless you ask me first. I probably won't mind your sharing, but I'd rather be asked first. I consider this a personal journey, and while it's no secret that I'm dealing with cancer, I prefer to chose who to share details with. Thank you for understanding.

7. For those asking about my photos, I mostly post them on my nature blog. However, some of the photos here aren't mine and I don't want to take credit for them. Ask if you're curious -- I haven't been taking the time to tag what's mine and what isn't. If it's really good, it probably isn't mine! :)

8. Details on my diagnosis: localized, no lymph nodes involved, HER2+, ER slightly+, PR- (those last three have to do with cancer receptors -- the positives mean more treatment options, so are a good thing in their own way), IDC, stage IIa, I'm probably forgetting a piece but most of this won't mean much to most anyway and those are the highlights.

9. I'm not afraid of the cancer. Not too thrilled about the side effects of the chemo, but I'm not afraid of the cancer! My prognosis is excellent; I have confidence that I will beat this and have an incredible circle of support: oncologist, staff, counselors, support groups, family, friends, even friends of friends... (listed in no particular order, as all of you are prime!)... thanks to all of you, I will get through this! Hugs to every one of you!

Fire of Our Hope

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